Episode 26 Transcription
Intro:
Welcome to this week's episode of Midlife AF. This week, I will be talking to my beautiful friend and kind, wise fellow, Grey Area Drinking Coach Heidi Nicole. We are going to be talking and we're answering a few questions from people who watch Instagram live. We talk about what we do with our teenagers if they are getting pressure from peers to drink. Also, we talked a little bit about what happens and what our thoughts are around when you have a data point, slip up, relapse, whatever you want to call it. So we go into that a little bit, and then Heidi has some really great thoughts and we just cheer fast a little bit about our own experience bringing up teenagers in today's world as alcohol free parents. So, without further ado, I hand you over to myself and Heidi.
If you're a woman in midlife whose intuition is telling you that giving booze the elbow might be the next right move, then Midlife AF is the podcast for you. Join Counsellors Psychotherapist, this naked mind and grey area drinking alcohol coach Emma Gilmore for a weekly natter about parenting, quirky teens, menopause, relationships, and navigating this thing called midlife alcohol free. If you're feeling that life could be so much more that you're sick and tired of doing all the things for everyone else, if your intuition is waving her arms manically at you, saying it could all be so much easier if we didn't have to keep drinking, come with me. Together, we'll find our group without boobs.
Emma:
This is my lovely friend Heidi from Lifestyle coach. Is that right, Heidi?
Heidi:
That's right.
Emma:
Hi, everybody. Who's joining us?
Heidi:
Hi, Andrea.
Emma:
So Heidi and I trained together in Jolee Parks’ grey area drinking training, which is where we met. And we have become very good friends since then. We're in our Marco Polo group together with a couple of the other people who trained with us as well, who we connected with well. And so we kind of support each other and we are friends. And Heidi and I both have kids who are sort of in their teens and tweens, and we thought it would be really fun to come on and have a chat about how that looks when you are alcohol free and some of the things that we struggle with, which will be universal. And like everything, it's so important that we feel like we're not alone. And so with that, I will ask Heidi to introduce herself and tell us a little bit about herself. Over to you, Heidi.
Heidi:
Well, thank you so much for having me, Emma. This is one of those topics I feel like we always end up chatting about, and it comes up a lot with my own clients. And so a little bit about me is that I am a sober lifestyle coach because it's not just about giving up the alcohol. The lifestyle piece is also part of it, and that includes me working with women in varying capacities. But I work with a community. I work with one on one coaching, and I empower women and support them in order to kind of as they're giving up the drink or giving up alcohol to create a new lifestyle, changes in their life. And so it's more of a whole health approach because it's easy just to stay in that nightly drink routine, that this is about creating your best life for yourself. And we'll talk a little bit about that, I'm sure, why that's so important, especially when you're a parent.
Emma:
Yes.
Heidi:
And so that's what I do on a day to day.
Emma:
Awesome. And what sort of took you, what was your path to become this amazing coach that you are now?
Heidi:
I feel like it's still going. So I don't think there's a start point or an ending point, which I think is a mindset for me in order to keep me moving. I was in the military for 20 years in the Air Force as a medic, and that was a really demanding, really busy lifestyle, which took me away from my children quite a bit. And so there was a constant guilt, a constant shame, and I hid a lot of it in alcohol. And so behind it I hid behind alcohol, I guess you could say. And then I also convinced myself that alcohol made me a better parent because I was more fun and I was like, laughed more and I got more done. And in reality, it just wasn't true. These were the lies that alcohol led me to believe. And so then I gave it a good go. I mean, I gave it a go a few times in order to give up. And I did take breaks. I've taken several breaks. And finally one day I woke up and it was more of a I was thinking about this recently, so I'm glad you asked this, but it was one of those situations where I finally was like, I think I can do it. I didn't feel alone. I didn't feel like this was put on me. I thought it was more of an opportunity or something I could take and see what happened to my life and see why not? Why not? It was one of those things where I did a ton of research and wanted to not leave my family. So I didn't go into rehab. But what I did is I read all the books, listened to all the podcasts, like many of us did a ton of research on my own. And I think once you learn the things that you learn, you can't unlearn it. It's just kind of in there and marinades. And so that was the first time I felt like this. There was like, a tipping point where I felt like, okay, I'm going to give this one a go. And I made it to 60 days, which was the longest I had done, and I finally was like, you know what? I'm going to see if I can do this with other people. I needed a community, which is why I created the community that I have now. Because it was the spark in my journey that really took me to another level, I think, where I felt my husband still drank occasionally at that point. Although I count myself very lucky in that regard, because I know that there's a lot of partners out there that are mismatched when it comes to that. And so I found myself like, okay, I'm going to do this. Can you do it with me a bit? But I kept going, and he didn't. But you'd be surprised what the example has done today, the example that I've led. But then I just kept going and kept going and kept going. And then I decided after I retired from the military, that I wanted to help others that needed, like, holding hands or just a cheerleader in their corner or support or whatever they need in order to kind of also get to that next level. And that's where I am today. Almost six years alcohol free. I know. I can't believe it.
Emma:
That's amazing. That's so awesome. We've had a couple of questions from the people who are watching us, which is exciting. So we've got one here. I think it's from Yolanda. So we've got how did you get over a really bad relapse and feeling super regretful about what you did? That might be a nice one for us to answer.
Heidi:
Yeah, that's such a good one. I think what comes with slip ups is that we feel like I'd love to hear your viewpoint. Yeah. And I think we've talked about it before, but just another spin is that I feel like we always think and I did the same thing, that I had to go, okay, I'm back to the day one, if you want to name a day, or back to the beginning. And that's why I always say, once I learned something, there's like, a knowing within you, then there's no unlearning, as well as there's so much data and knowledge that we pick up along the way. Like, why? It is a big question we forget to ask ourselves.
Emma:
Yes.
Instead of asking why, we go guilt, shame, guilt, shame, guilt, shame, guilt, shame, guilt.
No, it just builds and builds and builds, and so that closes us off instead of opens us up, and opening us up allows the learning opportunities of, like, what could I have done differently? And I think that that's a big one when it comes to slip ups, because they're just learning points.
Emma:
That's exactly right. Yeah, absolutely. And exactly like Heidi says for me a slip up or a data point or I know in some groups they call them a reset. It's such an opportunity to learn and it's one of those things that it almost has to happen in order for you to learn. What was the reason that it happened? Like Heidi says and we're so quick to jump to self flatulation and there's something wrong with me and that's exactly what we don't need at that time. What we need at that time is curiosity. Isn't that interesting? That's so interesting. So there's something there for me to learn about myself, about my needs, about what triggers me and where my nervous system gets dysregulated because that's all it is. At the end of the day, nothing on your moral character or your strength as a human, it's just another piece of information that you can then use to build the life that you want to create would be my thoughts on it.
Heidi:
I love that you said a couple of things about opportunity and I think that that's exactly what it can be if we allow it. That makes a lot of sense.
Emma:
Yeah. Thanks, Heidi. I think that you and I are pretty aligned in these things so I hope that was helpful for Yolanda because I know often we can make ourselves seem bad but really there's nothing wrong with us and that's one of the key things in everything that we do is there's nothing wrong with you. There's just sets of circumstances and history and things that you just have to learn and then you move through it. It's that self flagellation that causes us.
Heidi:
I agree. The biggest problem comparison can come up a lot when it comes to these situations. For example, I tried to do in the very beginning just like Holly Whitaker for example, do exactly everything as she would do or she told us to do because I went through one of her courses and I think sometimes it's again another opportunity to go over what worked and what didn't work. Do I enjoy it? I hate drinking lemon water in the morning. I don't like to drink it in the morning, for example. Like if your routines that you've been doing you're like I don't even like this and I think that is a big indicator of just trying something different.
Emma:
Yes, that's a really good point because we can often compare and it keeps us stuck and I think that's probably going to be one of the themes that we have today's call is around the idea of fitting in and belonging and the idea of comparing ourselves to other people and finding ourselves wanting. And often in the alcohol free space when you've got clients, people compare themselves to other people and like all of social media, people only tend to share the successes. And yet actually, it's the times we stumble that gives us the greatest growth and gives everybody else such a gift as well.
Heidi
Isn't that true?
Emma:
Yeah, it's so true. It really is.
Heidi:
And just in answer to your question, Yolanda, mine was always my main ones were: I'd be trying to take a break for eight weeks and I wouldn't be able to. I'd get to four weeks, so I'd get to six weeks, and then I'd end up drinking something just because it was there. It was usually quite disgusting, because usually what you've got in the house drinking is really gross. And I think the thing that changed for me was that sort of changing attitude and understanding that I wasn't to blame, I wasn't at fault, and that we do everything for a reason. Right. There'll be a reason why we're doing something, and it's not generally to do with us being a bad person or defective in any way.
Emma:
Exactly. And then the other question we had, Heidi, which I'll offer to you, is from Rebecca, and she says, I'd love for you to discuss the challenges and I'm guessing this is for kids, but possibly for adults as well, of providing useful exit strategies for teens when they might be getting peer pressure.
Heidi:
Have you dealt with this recently? I haven't dealt with this currently. The things I think that eventually comes, I think the peer pressure that I've dealt with, if you're asking about specific alcohol, I think it would be one of the things that and I'm very honest with my kids about alcohol. And what's funny is they are in there, I'm in the US. And so one of the things they do in their health classes is they discussed it. They discussed the dangers of it, just like they discussed the dangers of cigarettes with us.
Emma:
Yeah.
Heidi:
They do use terms that I don't always agree with, but I feel like that's getting down to the nitty gritty at their age. But I think that they are getting a bit more than what I got when it came to just a basic education of what alcohol does to you.
Emma:
Yeah.
Heidi:
But I do think when it comes to peer pressure, we can go right into kind of what we had talked about previously, Emma, and that is that belonging versus, I think, the fitting in. I mean, I think peer pressure, they have to be able to choose, do I want to fit in or do I want to be me? Being me. Okay. And I think whether it comes to adults or teens, kids, you name it, when we don't feel that we are enough, it will go the path of least resistance, which is the way everyone else is going.
Emma:
Yes.
Heidi:
And so when we can stand steady, grounded notice, when we're activated, notice when we are getting to that wall or that point where we're like okay? I don't feel good enough being me. I need to either change the state or do something that I don't want to do necessarily because usually maybe I've read too many books or watch too much TV, but the kid usually doesn't want to do that thing. It's for attention or for validation, comfort, longing, those types of things fitting in. That's just the beginning of the conversation. I think we could say a lot more on that, but I'd love to.
Emma:
It's a really interesting one, isn't it? Because I think you're right, it goes back to this belonging and fitting in and that sort of tribal need, that sort of intrinsic need to want to belong because we want to fit in so that we don't get abandoned by the tribe. And so it's very hard wired enough so it's actually quite hard and particularly for our young people who are moving away from the family home and it's part of their development is to be finding their own people and becoming independent and stuff like that. And I think there's a really interesting thing about giving kids the ability to choose as well. And I think if kids and again, this is just my opinion, but I think it's harder for kids to stand in their authenticity and it's bloody hard anyway, right? But it's harder for kids to stand in their own authenticity if they don't have much agency at home. I think if at home they are in quite a controlling environment and they're used to having to suppress their experience and their needs, I think it's easier for them to express they've got used to having to suppress what? Their needs and thoughts are. And I think that that actually makes them more vulnerable to other people saying, come and do something you might not want to do. Push down your instant gut reaction. But it's not something I want to do. So I think that's something to be a little bit cautious about. And then the other thing I think is giving them a safe escape route. And I do this with my kids and I still worry though, who knows if we get this right and we'll probably never find out, or if we do, we'll find out way after the fact. Because I always think with teenagers, whatever you do, you're going to get it wrong. No, whatever you do. But there's something in giving them that sense of safety that you won't be angry with them if they come to you and they've screwed up or if they need an escape route that you can say, whatever happens, I would always be able to pick you up, and you just have to text me and say, Come and get me now. It doesn't matter where you are, it doesn't matter what time it is. I won't ask any questions, I won't make you feel bad, but I will always make up some excuse whatever we need to do. But I think there's something about encouraging their sense of self and not on our own, because it can be so easy as parents. I'm sorry. I'll stop talking in a second.
Heidi:
No, it's perfect.
Emma:
I feel like I'm talking too much. But it's so easy as a parent to be worried, to be fearful for our children. And so we're like, oh, tone yourself down. Tone yourself down. You don't want to stand out. You want to fit in as well. Because that's kind of how our parents were with us, too. And actually, it was interesting. I was going to give an example because my child went off to school today in full Susie Sue like Kiss makeup to school, right? Not the right thing. Not the right thing. It was school photo day. I was like, I've been sending so many messages.
And on school photo day, they've been sending so many messages. Like, can everyone just wear their uniform properly and just look normal? So they’ve got full Suzy makeup, and I'm like, oh God. I'm like, can you just tone it down a bit today? And he was like, I'm okay if they tell me off for wearing my makeup the way I'm doing it. Because it's hard enough being me some days at school, and I want to stand in my own self. This is me, and I'm okay to take the punishment if that is what happens. And then I was just like, you know what? Okay, that's fine. You do it. Let's do it. That's your decision. It's a grown up decision. It's about your identity. We can say these are the rules. And if you understand that there's consequences to those rules and you're prepared to accept them. But there was part of me that goes, I'm not going to try and force him to suppress himself. I probably sound like the biggest woo woo.
Heidi:
There's not a rulebook for this. I always say I wish, but then again, I don't know, because then I would just judge myself against the rulebook. But there's not a rule book. Because they are all each their own mould. They all have their own mould. They were all created uniquely. And it is like, I don't know. And I think sometimes we just don't know. We do the best that we can. And so I don't know that there's no rule there. There's no rule.
Emma:
That's it.
Heidi:
But I think you said that too. And about the exit strategy, just go back one more little thing, it's the same thing with us, right? If I'm going to a social event and I haven't planned and I expect to use an exit strategy, it will fall away. So I feel like planning is going to be so important when it comes to having that conversation. Even being prepared if they know there's going to be alcohol there or if they know there's going to be something there, or if they are like we have been many times. You're surprised with, oh, my gosh, I didn't realise there was going to be a keg there. Right. Or I guess there was going to be whatever. And I think just planning for those situations, it's like the key if there's no planning, even when it comes to us. Right. If I haven't planned what I'm going to eat and I go out and I've been shopping all day and I'm starving and I grabbed the first thing, then my exit strategy did not work because I didn't plan. I hope that that is helpful, because I think that that's a big one.
Emma:
I think it's huge, and I would never have thought of that. I would never have thought of that. I think that's huge.
Heidi:
Yeah. I think planning, preparing and planning is your first step. Always plan. Prepare for fanfare. It's like it has to be. And then maybe we all can even come up with an exit strategy together, and you go back to the choice. Right. What would you feel most comfortable with? Would you want me to call you? Do you want me to check in with you at this time? Or do you want to call me? Or whatever. And I think that mine's getting ready to be driving soon, and it scares the living daylights at it.
Emma:
Yeah.
Heidi:
Because there's extra freedom there. There's extra independence there. And so reach out. I'll probably have a really good answer for you.
Emma:
I think that planning, though, is such an important thing, isn't it? Because that's what we say to clients when they're going to an event, is like, have a plan, have an exit strategy. Well, yes. Doesn't that apply to clients as well? That's a really good point.
Heidi:
I think it opens up the conversation. Like, are they curious about it? Is that what's going on? Maybe there's something underneath there? Or are they curious about drugs or alcohol in a way that you didn't even realise? So it can open up a big conversation, just that planning piece.
Emma:
Absolutely. Actually, it was a really good question, and I loved your answer. I hadn't even thought about that planning thing. That was really good. That was really good. I was just laughing because I was thinking that we had my eldest friends around the New Year's Eve, so me and Damien stayed home, and they came round, and it was so sweet. They bought soft drinks and they bought snacks, and they were all out in the garden having a lovely time, and me and my husband were in the shed pretending not to spy on them. But it reminded me of when I was a kid at the same sort of age we had, and we drank in my house. We were allowed to have beer as teenagers and I remember my dad saying if anyone brings any hard liquor that's it, they're out and I remember someone did. Of course they did and so my dad came downstairs and was like right everyone out, the party's over and I'm so humiliated and being like oh god that's so embarrassing. But in retrospect now, as an adult, I'm like, of course he did. We were like 16/17. And I was just thinking, oh my goodness, my kids actually, I think that their generation is just a little bit less. And I know it's not across the board because I know that in my kids friends, there are kids who are going out and drinking and smoking. Like I was at the same age, but I've been lucky so far. Touchwood that that's not being but I'm sure that will come.
And I think being honest about your own experience, like, I didn't tell my kids about the drinking side of it, but I told the story. But yeah, it's that honesty as well. It's like being a bit honest because I think if we make out to our children that we're perfect then they think they have to be as well or they can't tell us anything.
Heidi:
Yeah that's a good point. I think we forget that we are human as well and that they are human and they have big emotions. And we have big emotions not necessarily going to have them on the same day for the same length. So it is really interesting for them to be able to see us with our emotions but also work through the emotion.
Emma:
Yes.
Heidi:
And whether that looks like I mean, I remember telling my kids one day, I think I was probably around six months without alcohol. And I had taken them on a trip and, and I was like, I really want to have a drink right now. And he was like, Mommy, don't do it. The fact that they can see me struggle and I was like thanks yeah I'm good, let's get going you know and I'm human. I don't know that everyone could do that with their children. I do think that sometimes it can be honest conversations whether for example mine don't see me exercise because I do it when they're not here for me to have that conversation with them like oh guess what I did today? Or I went here, I did this or I'm going to do this tomorrow. Just so they see it and they know it or they see what I eat.
Emma:
They watch you?
Heidi:
Yeah, they do. Like eagle eyes. What you eat, what you drink, how you move your body.
Emma:
I was thinking I've been working with a group recently, and we've been talking about how do you deal with any because you've been alcohol free for six years, right? Obviously you were drinking at some point when you had your kids, your kids were alive when you were still drinking. And we were talking in my group about how do you deal with your regret around having been a person who was drinking with your kids, how do you reconcile that with yourself? I'd be interested to hear what your thoughts are.
Heidi:
So it still comes up. It's still something that I think I don't fall to my knees every time now, but it does come up. I think now it comes up as a reminder of why I am where I am today versus look at what you did. And I think that, again, a mindset shift or just a little deviation of that thought coming in and then repurposing it, for lack of a better way to explain that. Yeah. But I do think that it is really hard in the beginning. And I wish I could quote exactly what Brene Brown says about guilt, but I believe she says something to the extent of guilt is that you did something wrong. When you did something wrong versus shame is like either something you picked up, you're wrong or you're wrong. Yes, something's wrong with me. And one, there's nothing wrong with us. When it comes to guilt, I think we like to live there in the past. And so when we continue to live there, it's really difficult, if at all, to move forward or to be in the present. I think I battle that a lot and reconcile that with moving to where I am right now, literally down at my feet. I'm in this kitchen right now making this cup of tea, doing this thing. I smell it. I mean, like, literally bringing myself to a present. Because I think when we go to guilt, it does activate our nervous system because we'll go to that fight or flight, like, I can't believe I did that. I can't believe I did that.
Whether it's right after a morning or we were like, oh my gosh, I did it again, or six years later, and I have that feeling, I can feel it in my body, that guilt feeling, because I did do things wrong. There were things that were against my values that to me were wrong. And whether you're drinking or not, I think everyone experiences guilt, but I do think I did things wrong. And so that is something that I do have to reconcile, but it comes to just being aware of what it feels like, knowing that I realise I'm activating my nervous system in that fight or flight when it comes and how I can bring myself back.
Emma:
Yeah, such a good tool, isn't it?
Heidi:
My favourite tool I'll share right now real quick about when I get into that moment, and maybe it's guilt, maybe it's that, maybe it's I've gotten angry with the kid, that my husband is just frustrated or overwhelmed or stressed. Is that four, seven, eight breath? And I tell my clients all the time, we're talking in my community this month, we're talking about practices and tools. And so this one came up, and so it's been the one I've been practising so far this month. More than usual.
As long as I get that longer exhale, I'm tricking my body, you're tricking my nervous system to think I'm calm and so naturally my body will follow my breath. And so I think that that's one, that just knowing that it works, it's so helpful.
Emma:
Can you talk to those who don't know?
Heidi:
Yeah, absolutely. So it's called the four, seven, eight breath. And what I do, and I know it can be done, where you hold your breath for four, breathe in for eight, breathe in for seven, out for eight. But I like to do where you breathe in for four, hold for seven, breathe out for eight. And I try to do it all nose because that's better for us in some way. But I do think that when we can get a longer exhale, whether it's any numbers, you know what I mean? As long as we get that longer exhale is really important. So the end of four, hold for seven, and then out for eight.
Emma:
I love it. Yeah, it's that exhale, isn't it?
Heidi:
It really is. And when I first learned that about our nervous system, because that's one of the things, if you think about when you go into even our kids switch it back when they go into fight or flight or that activated state, our heart rate speeds up, our breathing speeds up, we'll start sweating, we name it. They do the same thing when they're having their tantrums, when they're yelling and screaming at us. Right. You don't understand that. And the breathing gets more rapid. And I think when we can get them to practise these things and we practise these things, I think we have to practise them in order to be able to use them at the moment.
Emma:
Yes.
Heidi:
Because I would love to be able to pull out all the things I know when I need them the most.
Emma:
I actually had an interesting one with my eldest the other day when we were on our way to school, where he was in a bit of a panic attack because he was worried about just how hard sometimes it is just being him going into school, and he was, like, having a bit of a panic attack. And we just sat from and was like, hold his hand and sat and did some breathing together. And now that wouldn't work with my youngest. My youngest would be like, I don't want to do this again. But my eldest was open to doing it. And then once he'd calmed down, we could get into what's happening, what's coming up for you. But a great breath is such an important one, isn't it? It really is.
Heidi:
Yeah.
Emma:
You just mentioned something that was really important that I think I didn't realise when I first had my kids is how different they would be, isn't it? Isn't it so different? They're like, you then have to do one and then you've got another one.
Heidi:
It's completely different.
Emma:And then you hear things. This is what I hear sometimes, let me read it correctly, because I've got a lot of things going on and that I hear. And so I've literally heard you love him better. You love her better from both of them.
Heidi:
Yeah.
Emma:
You spend more time with this one. You spend more time with them. So that hurts, right? That's one of those like, oh, my gosh, that hurts. Am I doing this? And you start doing this thing. I've done that. Yes, I did that. Took somewhere by themselves, didn't take them. I feel like I'm constantly playing this, making it fair game. They both have different needs. So really that's a cry of attention. Like, I just want to be with you, or I just want to acknowledge me or see me. It really sometimes has nothing to do with the other that I figured out for me. And it could be that I've done that. Believe me, I've totally done that. Where I just might get along a little more than the other. Something I'm definitely proud of. But it sometimes happens.
Heidi:
It does.
Emma:
But they are so different. So I think we beat ourselves up a lot again by thinking we compare one better than the other or just by not doing it a certain way, or we hear those personal attacks, especially with those Tween teams. And taking them personally is really hard.
Heidi:
Yes. Yeah.
Emma:
So it is really about them. It really is about them, what they need.
Heidi:
Like you say. I think that's probably one of the greatest things for me about being alcohol free in this life stage with the kids is that tiny moment of pause that you get from being alcohol free that you don't. That I found that for me, that was the greatest revelation in being alcohol free was the fact that I got a second in between what was happening and how I reacted to it.
Emma:
Yeah, that's such a good point, because when we're drinking nightly, we tend to live in a I'll go back to that activated state. It just puts us in such a way that our body is trying to catch up. And so it puts us sort of out of balance. So we're just not regulated. And so when we are more regulated or working towards that, I think that allows us that pause. We are calmer. We're more in tune to, okay, let me breathe here, and then I can react, or whatever it is. And I love that you notice that. And I think that that's a really good data point that you picked up. I get this pause. This pause is not because of that. I love it.
Heidi:
I think when I first took a break, that was one of the things, even though I struggled the first few times I tried to take breaks. And I'm sure this is everybody's story. There's not a single person who doesn't have this or otherwise. They're like some amazing unicorn genie person.
Emma
And there are.
Heidi:
Yes, I'm sure they are. And they're probably all perfect on Instagram, and we're like, oh, we don't like you. It's too much.
Emma:
But it's so curious, because when people are like, perfect, you're like, oh, God, they're not at all like, really? I don't know. That's where you get that comparison thing, isn't it? And that belonging thing is like, we see everybody with these pristine lives, and we're all trying to be this pristine life, but it's not pristine people that we love and care about, it's people like you and me, right? We love each other because we love each other. When we get on Marco Polo and we might be having a cry, we're not going to not love each other because we're human. We're going to love each other more, right?
Heidi:
Absolutely. And you bring that up, and I think of exactly what my 15 year old is seen on social media. And granted, she doesn't have full access to anything. She has to use my phone to get to Instagram. But I think that it's one of those things where I'm like, what is she watching and what is she looking at and what is she seeing that is influencing what they see in today's world? Mostly on YouTube, on TikTok, on Instagram, on Snapchat, people aren't taking bad pictures of themselves and posting them, right? And it's, like, scary. Well, it worries me. It is scary, but it also worries me because I constantly have to go, but look at me. I'm okay. And being okay in that part, I struggle with that, right? I struggle with myself, like, how do I show them it's okay to be them? I mean, of course I tell them, and I love them for just the way they are, but how do they separate that piece? That's not real.
Emma:
And those people are killing themselves to create this facade. And we were like before I had my big breakdown and left my career. The reason I was drinking and drinking so much coffee and just being in a total state of flight of life was because I was trying to be all of these completely impossible things.
Heidi:
It's so true. It's so true. Yeah. That's such a hard one. And I think that we live in this state sometimes of trying. I don't know if it's that. And I know for me, it was that I had this vision of myself that I thought I should be yes. And it was unattainable.
Emma:
Yes. Unattainable.
Heidi: Even without alcohol. And to be honest with you, I don't even want to be her.
Emma:
No. She might be a bit annoying.
Heidi:
She's very unapproachable, very inauthentic, very put together all the time, and I don't want to be that way, but it's not sustainable either. And I feel like when our kids probably have this version of that as well, I should probably ask them, like, they have this version of themselves. Like, for example, this is my 13 year old son. He loves exercising and like this, I mean, for his age, it's not. I don't think it's abnormal. He plays football, he's sporty, he really wants to eat well and exercise and do these things, but he literally is like, five, six and probably weighs 118 lb. He's not huge, but I need to get my ABS back.
Emma:
Yeah.
Heidi:
And I'm like, well, they're right there. But it is one of those things where I'm like, where does he think that as a 13 year old, he is supposed to have washboard ABS? Where did he see this? Where did he hear this? And it has to be where else? On the Internet. In some ways, you perform or technology, some way they perform. And so, yeah, how do we do that? And I think if I was still drinking right now as an almost 50 year old woman, going through the hormone changes I'm going through with teens and still wanting to fit in sometimes and belong and validate myself and regulate my own nervous system, I don't know what I would do if I was drinking. I don't know.
Emma:
Yes, exactly. It's so hard, isn't it? It's almost like the drinking allows us to be able to cope with this stuff, what feels like it does with this completely impossible expectation. And we think, even as adults, it must be the same view Heidi, but when I'm working with women like myself, who are still struggling with alcohol, that often people are going really well, and then something will happen that's to do with a social situation. That's to do with somebody offering them somebody buying them a really fancy bottle of wine and then not wanting to be rude or something. I don't want to be rude. I want a fitting. I want to be part of it. I don't want to draw attention to myself. The things that our teens and Tweens suffer with, it's exactly the same for adults.
Heidi:
It really is. And I feel like I want to say it was Jolene that taught me this during our time when we were in her training. But she was talking about pain and how pain, any type of pain, whether it's emotional, physical, mental, that fear of rejection, that fear of not being valid, belonging is a reason why or one of the biggest reasons why we'll then reach for alcohol or numb meaning mechanism or slip up because we're in a situation. And if I'm in a situation, right? And I probably should have listened to my intuition about not going out and I go out anyway, usually going out.
Emma:
To please people anyway as well.
Heidi:
It's like somebody's expecting and there's this pain of that fear of rejection always there. And I think it can lead us down into the depths.
Emma:
Totally. That's it. That's it. Nine times out of ten, I find it's when we're pushing through to do something for somebody else that we're so exhausted. And again, we're ignoring our intuition, what our nervous system, what our body needs. That's when we end up doing something that we didn't want to do because we're so tired and because we're trying to please people, but we don't really want to do it. And all that kind of stuff.
Heidi:
I think it's why it's important to find that juxtaposition of connection that feels good, that connection, that deep connection, that connection that lights us up, like connecting like this or how we feel on the Marco Polo where we can be ourselves. That fear of shame, judgement and that holds some accountability as well, I think. And I think that's belonging, that's that connection where I feel it deep in my bones.
Emma:
Absolutely. I remember somebody saying to me, I don't have to know whether it was a course that we went on together, but I remember somebody oh, I know who it was, it was Jay Fields. She said to me, you know how Michelle Obama walks into a room? She doesn't need to fit in. She belongs because she has her own essence that wherever she is, she'll belong. And they were talking about that. So wherever you take yourself, you can belong anywhere. It's just that you have to belong to yourself first. So I think for me this journey has been all about us and what.
Heidi:
A gift in doing that and learning that we give to our children as well. It's such a gift of not belonging to yourself first.
Emma:
I love that belonging to ourselves first. But there's so much tied up in all of that as well because even we know that putting ourselves first is really important and actually probably the most important thing. But at the same time we've been conditioned to think that it's selfish.
Heidi:
It's so true that putting on your oxygen mask first. And it does when you in the big scheme of things. I think our culture has taught us that it's just selfish, you need to give everything in some way, shape or form. And I do think that it's not.
Emma:
And like you say, it's that we model. If we model that, we look after ourselves first and we don't push on through and we honour the system as much as possible. Obviously, there could be times when we have to, but of course, if we can model that, then that's probably one of the greatest gifts, I think, that we can give them.
Heidi:
I agree. I do. I think that's it. The modelling starts. It's already going on, right? The model is already going on, but they see you even trying. So even like that first question about the slip up, they see you getting back up and showing up again the next day. That in itself is such an important message for kids of today's building. That's because it's such an instant gratification culture that we live in and want a magic pill. I mean, us, too. Honestly, I want it now. I want this to work. I want this thing, and it works. And I want this to work. I want the WiFi to work all the time. I want my phone to work. I want everything to work out, and it just doesn't work all the time. And so that's why we keep showing up, though, right? We keep it up. We keep showing up.
Emma:
That's it. Maybe that should be our slogan. Just keep trying.
Heidi:
What parent doesn't want their kids to know that? Look after themselves. Look after themselves to keep going. It's hard to work through it. Try a different way.
Emma:
It's going to be alright. Yeah, it will be. Thank you so much, Heidi. I'm just looking and I'm like, oh, my goodness, an hour.
Heidi:
Oh, my goodness.
Emma:
I haven't asked you to tell everybody about your beautiful business, your offerings, because we've been talking about community. We've been talking about reaching out to people, and that is so important, isn't it? Do you want to talk a bit about why community is so important and maybe about what you offer people?
Heidi:
Absolutely. So I think community is a piece that gets left behind, and I think a big piece of that is because of that shame and self judgement and that self flagellation that we do. And how in the world could I ever share or even show up in a space with the things I've done? I needed that in my own life. Not only is connection a piece of the puzzle when it comes to regulating your nervous system, but it's also a piece of the puzzle with a whole healthy lifestyle, which is what I love to use when it comes to my own clients and in the community. And so I created this rooted and growth community, and that's really what it's all about. It's about finding your groundedness in order to be able to grow in the way that wherever that is in your life we don't always talk about alcohol, but because it's not just about alcohol, it's about so many other things. So it's a community of like minded women that we meet once a week in order to kind of go over whatever is going on. We do a monthly teaching thing. Like I said, this month is all about our sober practices and routines and rituals and yeah, it is just amazing. It's an intimate group. I will probably keep it below 20 probably, but it is an intimate group for now. It's a private platform, there's no Facebook, and it's just a piece of the pie that I think is really important for people to be able to eventually step out and show up.
Emma:
And 100%. I think it's so important and there's so much that goes on in our lives just having other women around us who're on the same path and who you can say, I had a really shitty day, or you can celebrate your amazing successes and you get to that place of safety with people, don't you? Where you don't do what you have to hide anymore and you can be who you really are and you realise everyone else is kind of similar. And if you're not some weird, strange person absolutely.
Heidi:
It's one of the things that not only do I hear from the women that are in the community that it's what they look forward to each week, but it's something I look forward to. And I think that it is just that connection, that touch point. Even if you sit there and don't say a word, sometimes it's just listening and not feeling so alone.
Emma:
Yes, it sounds amazing. And so how do people find you? How do they find you and how do they become part of your community?
Heidi:
You can find me right here on Instagram at Sober Lifestyle Coach and then I talk about my community a lot, but you can also find it in my bio. And I do offer a five day free trial. So that gives you usually a chance most of the time it will give you a chance to join in one of the Wednesday calls. Yes, you can get started right away. You have access to everything we've done since we started last May.
Emma:
Oh, that's awesome.
Heidi:
Yeah, it is a chock full of information and stuff. But yeah, you can find me right here on Instagram or you can email me at [email protected].
Emma
Brilliant. That's so cool. And what would be your biggest advice from a parenting team as a person like me, who's walking alongside other parents, trying our hardest to do as well as we can without being perfect? What would your favourite sort of piece of learning or something that you'd like to share with people be?
Heidi:
Well, I think it probably would be what we discussed kind of at the end is that I had to finally put value on me in order to take a step towards healing myself so I could be present and I could be available for my kids.
Emma:
Yeah.
Heidi:
And I think it's easy. I am one of those moms that wants to cook every meal and wants to have a house, clean house and wants to do all the homework and wants to do all those things. And I think I had to get to the point where it's okay to let my husband help. It's okay to let them try to start it on their own. It's okay to not do it every night. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. Sometimes I need to ask and going back to that ask for help. I need five minutes upstairs. Please, just give me five minutes. I need ten minutes to do this meditation. I need to go on a 30 minute walk, whatever that is, and just ask. You'd be surprised how much folks will help and your kids will stand. We think they won't, but they will.
Emma:
Yeah.
Heidi:
When we take the permission slip that's out there for the taking, for us to be able to do that, we are giving our kids a permission slip to do the same.
Emma:
That's it.
Heidi:
Wearing kitty cat pyjama pants to drop off. Not only that, Emma, it gives me permission to do the same. The other parent here. It really does. And sometimes it only takes one person to go. Well, I'm so happy she does that too.
Emma:
Yeah. Thank God.
Heidi:
Thank God. Yes.
Emma:
Absolutely. You're an angel.
Heidi
You are too. Thank you so much for having me.
Emma:
So nice to be talking with you. And we should do it again, for sure. We will.
