INTRO
In this episode of Midlife AF, you'll get to meet my wonderful friend and virtual assistant Lou Coates. Lou joined me for the Aussie Alcohol Experiment back in July 2021. We'd never met each other before. And she was such an amazing help to me as a participant in the group reminding me to press record on my zooms, and so on. We ended up becoming friends. And I asked her to come and work with me. Lou and I have a lot in common. We both have teenage kids who've had their struggles recently, we both really identified heavily as drinkers, our partners both still drink. We both lost our dads. And in fact, Lou’s dad had just passed away when she decided to do the alcohol experiment and see what would happen for her if she took a break from drinking. And she talks about that very openly in the podcast.
And both Lou and I are very happily alcohol free. Lou’s been through a momentous year this year. She's had a lot going on. And she's done it all alcohol free. As she says in her own words, she doesn't even think about alcohol anymore. I just think that's amazing. That's where we want to be right? Lou’s a woman just like all of us with ups and downs that happen in life. And she's got the added element have having a beautiful, very active four year old to wrangle with as well.
So I'd love you to meet Lo, she's my right hand woman, and I think you will all relate to her story.
So enjoy!
Emma
Hello, I'm just going to add the beautiful Lou to the conversation. Good to see you.
Lou and I were just on a zoom chat just sharing how difficult it is being with our teams. So I'm sure that's something that's familiar to many people. But Lou, Lou is my good friend now. But I first met Lou, because she was a participant in my second Aussie Alcohol Experiment, I think. Was it the July one?
Yes. Yeah.
And she was part of an awesome crew of women that we had, we had a really good laugh. And I'll get Lou to tell you a little bit about herself. And maybe Lou, if you can tell them a little bit about what it was like for you in the lead up to the alcohol experiment. And then maybe we can talk a little bit about what it was like to be in the alcohol experiment.
And we have changed the alcoholic experiment a little bit since Lou was in it. Because when we did it last year, we ran three and I say we and I mean me. But now we've got a little team who are helping us. So Lou's gonna be one of the mentors and doing some of the admin stuff in there as well, which is awesome. But yeah, so when I did it last time, we did it as a hybrid with this naked mind content.
So we did weekly coaching with me in zoom. And then we had the Facebook group. And we had basically the guys signed up for the alcohol experiment with this naked mind. And then based on feedback that we've had from the different participants, I decided to create my own content. So this version is a little bit different to the ones that I ran before, in that all of the content, all of the emails are made by me based on this naked mind alcohol experiment but was done with my kind of vibe, with the blessing of Annie and Scott.
So it is a little bit different. But I think the new way that we're going to run, it's going to be really good because we're going to have a lot of time to work through the content in detail together. So every day, I'll do a live where I go and we'll literally go through “okay, what was the content that we worked on? Has anybody got any questions about it? Is there anything that we want to work through”, as well as being in that kind of supportive Facebook group.
So that's how it's changed. It seems a bit different to explain. But based on that context, you want to share how you and what your situation was before you join the program?
Lou
Yes. So before I joined your program, I had noticed that my drinking had started to become a problem where I was drinking about a bottle of red a night. And I just thought like kids were growing up and it just wasn't sort of good. I tried to stop. I found it was harder. I kept on. I just couldn't stop. I kept waking up the next day and the pattern would start again. I'd have another bottle of red wine that night. So I started listening to Annie Grace podcasts. Just about alcohol and drinking and, and that's when I came across you in your interview with Annie.
I wrote your name down somewhere and then forgot about it. And then went on and I just did a couple of nights where I drank and then woke up the next day and it was pretty bad. The drink remorse is pretty bad. I'm 48 Now, back when you're younger, you can go out and drink and you would go out and drink to get Dutch courage so you could kiss boys and things like that but it’s totally different now. I need to be there for my kids. And I'm not going out and doing that. So I realized I couldn't stop on my own. And so then I contacted you, and did your 30 days. And yeah, it was a life changer for me. Yes. Oh, I'm really really grateful.
Emma
Thank you Lou. Thank you so much. And before you joined up, how were you feeling about yourself and your life? And how were things looking?
Lou
I was very anxious all the time. And pretty miserable. And I kept on finding myself in situations that I didn't want to be in. Big life choices or things in my life just were repeating that I didn't want and I wasn't, I wasn't going where I wanted to be. And I just knew something needed to change. And I knew I needed to change. friends and family, you know, also said to me, Lou, you should probably think about, you know, drinking a little bit less. Yeah.
Emma
That's always so welcome, isn't it?
Lou
Yeah, and I just felt just crap, and dead inside, really. And since doing your experiment and and just coming back to myself, it's just, I feel just so much better.
Emma
Yeah. And tell me. I mean, it's interesting for me, because I've seen you and I remember us talking with the group. And, you know, there was something so wonderful about being in a group of women and talking about, you know, the things that made us sad about what had been happening with our drinking and things that made us feel like we felt kind of alone and a little bit different. And I know that was my experience. And every time I run a group with women, it's transformational for me as well, because it's like we've all been there, right? It's not a unique situation. We're not like, alone at all in that situation that we've been through stuff and it's made us not feel very good. During the program, what were the things that resonated most with you?
Lou
I liked taking away the shame that comes with drinking and just, you know, changing the way you look at it. Because when you're ashamed of yourself, and feeling crap about yourself, you're not going to change. Yes, totally. But I really liked your course, learning about the senses, your senses, and how when we drink, we're numbing our senses. I didn't really think about that. But you know , I'd be having a glass of wine and reading to my kids at night, and you know, they're probably smelling my red wine breath and I'm probably reading really loudly, I don't even know what they're doing because I'm in my own little bubble. And, I just have no senses that I can't see my kids properly. I can't hear them. I can't smell them. I’m totally missing out on them. And alcohol was giving me a great time, but I'm missing out on the things that I love the best and I’m getting emotional. I feel really bad about that. But I've missed a lot of time with my kids. Because yeah, when I was drinking, sorry, I've had a really hard time lately with my teenagers.
But yeah, so just that not being fully present. Because I was a bit confused. It took up a lot of space for me. And I just really hate that. And I think I hate the fact that alcohol took that. Yeah, and it took all a lot of time from me. And so that resonated with me and I'm like “I'm not gonna give alcohol my senses.” Yeah, my feelings, ever again. It's taken. It's already straight. Yeah.
Emma
You're getting a lot of lovely support in there. I’m very proud. I hear you, I feel exactly the same way I look back and I'm like, Oh my gosh. And I know that, you know, we know that we were doing the best we could at the time with the tools that we had.
But it doesn't change the fact that, you know, the little people, but I remember like my kids coming out, and me being so drunk in the garden with my friends. And I remember being there and just pushing my kids away and being like, Oh, just don't I don't want see you. I don't want to be here. I'm having so much fun with my friends. And these little darling people were like, coming out to show us their, you know, their routine that they've put together because we just abandoned them in the house with these random kids that they don’t know. And they're like, well, we've done this really great thing that's gonna show the parents and the parents are like uggggh….
Lou
Like a burden to us, we become like, yeah, it's just a burden. Like we said, they're not kids.
Emma
Both you and I Lou are going through, we've both got teenagers at the moment. And it you know, it's I'm so thankful now that I'm here and more present, and able to manage all that. Can you imagine?
Lou
God there’s no way. I’m so happy to be able to give them my whole mind and be present for them, be able to listen to them and give them my full attention now . Yeah, teenagers. They've got hormones going on. They've just got so much pressure these days, our kids? Oh, my God. And if I was just drinking every night, it would just be horrendous, it would be so much worse for them.
Emma
Yeah, you've been on such a journey, haven't you? It's like, there's so much going on in both of our lives. And, like I see you how you were feeling beforehand, what you've managed to achieve, because how long have you not been drinking for now?
Lou
So yeah, I have not been drinking for over a year and actually started the alcohol experiment with you. It was the week after my dad passed. And I said, I don't think I can do it. And I just need alcohol now. You just said “no worries”.
And I just thought I'm gonna do it. Not putting it off. And it's the best. The best thing I could have done it's also been really helpful in terms of grieving for my dad, I've actually been able to, you know, process it. Here, fully here and warts and all with life and taking it on and I'm not running away from them or hiding from it. I'm embracing all the hell and cracks and all the beautiful stuff it throws at me too. Because I need to stop numbing myself anymore.
Emma
I felt amazing. Because that's, that's the tough stuff, isn't it? It's like we've gone through our whole lives, kind of medicating was coping, you know, using alcohol to cope with this. The tricky stuff and the stuff that makes us feel uncomfortable. And there you are going through all this now alcohol free. And you know, you're happy with that decision, right?
Lou
Yes, definitely. I can’t see myself having a drink ever again. I never ever even think about it. And I think that is awesome as well. Like I see with my partner at the moment, I'm not sure if he's watching but he's trying to do dry July at the minute. Yeah. And you know, every night I can see he's just itching to have a drink. Yeah. And I get that because he's white knuckling it but because I've done all the work and have reprogrammed my brain I don't even think about alcohol. The only time I think about it is when I look at other people drinking or look at my partner drinking. And I think, oh, you poor thing. I won't say I'm never ever going to drink ever again. But it definitely doesn't interest me today.
Emma
It's so interesting. I was listening to Annie and Scott on a must have been in an ad for something. So Annie and Scott are the people who run the alcohol experiment just for people who don't know that. This Naked Mind. And they were talking about who they were and I thought it was so true. They were like the difference with this naked mind. The difference between this naked mind methodology is we won't be happy if you've just changed the behavior. But you haven't changed. Like you're still unhappy. Like, you're, you've stopped drinking, but you're still really missing it. You're white knuckling it, you're having a really bad time, you feel like you're deprived. They're like, “that's not success for us”.
And it's hard to measure because it's not for this naked mind. And for people. For coaches like me, it's about how you feel? Do you feel good? Do you feel like you can go out and be around other drinkers without feeling like you want to have a drink?
Lou
No FOMO at all. Because things have changed in my mindset. And I just Yeah. I love being alcohol free.
Emma
And if you were to speak to somebody who, if you were speaking to somebody who was on the fence about joining the alcohol experiment, or somebody who decided to join, and you were to give them some advice about how to kind of go into the program, what kind of spirit to go into the program with? What would you say?
Lou
I would say just go in and with an open mind, and being curious, and not being too hard on yourself. Yeah, just going with the flow. Being vulnerable. Do the homework. So you know, I did, I was like think I was your best student with you.
Emma
She was a total nerd in the best way. And she'd be like, Emma, Emma, you've forgotten to do this. Can you do this? Please? I'd be like, God, thank God, I've got Lou here with me. She's great.
Lou
Now I understand that you do the work. And yeah, so and the women that you get to meet. It's so cool, you know? Yeah, they're just beautiful souls that we still stay in touch with. And just being vulnerable and, and knowing that you're not alone. There's lots of other moms out there and people out there that have fallen into the same traps, situations and just talking about with each other and just growing together. It's just really so worth it. That's the best money I've ever spent on myself. You know, I know like at first I was a bit of money and you don't want to pay for it. But then I'm like, Oh my God, you know, it's cheaper than Botox. You know, spending hundreds of dollars on, you know, hair and everything like that. But you know, we just spend a couple of $100 on your own mental health. Yeah, that can change your life. Yes. Just nothing. Just do it.
Emma
Just do it.
Lou
Yeah, and don't miss out on it. Don't miss out on any fun anymore.
Emma
Oh Lou, I'm so proud of you. Thank you so much for coming in talking to us. You're amazing.
Emma
You've still got Albert as well, whose only a little, too haven't you? So you've got a lot on your plate. Oh, yeah, I celebrate you. I think you've done amazing. I celebrate you, thank you my love - Lou’s in the group as well. So she is works with me now because she's so amazing, reminding me to do stuff that. So she's a great advocate for it too. So using the Facebook group with me helping out doing some of the admin stuff and giving some mentoring and stuff like that. So you'll get to know Lou through as well as me.
Thank you, my darling. And thank you for taking the time to do this and share your experience with everyone. You're amazing. Thank you. See ya. See you my love. Thank you everyone for joining us.
