Speaker 1 0:02
No beautiful humans. I hope you're well welcome to this week's episode of midlife A F. This week we're going to be talking about some things that I find really fascinating in this space, we're going to be talking about the idea of a personality type. And we're also going to be talking a little bit about attachment theory. So how our personality types can be influenced by our upbringing and our environment. And why that can that particular personality types can cause us difficulty in embracing an alcohol free life is kind of an interesting subject and it's what I'm going to do the webinar this Sunday, which the link for that will be in the show notes and it's also on my website and in my link tree. So if any of you are interested in get your get piqued by this subject matter, then please join us next Sunday which is the 19th of November at 5pm ADT over to me if you're a woman in midlife, has intuition is telling you that giving booze the elbow might be the next right move. Their midlife AF is the podcast for you. Join counselor psychotherapist this naked mind and gray area drinking alcohol coach Emma Gilmore for a weekly natter about parenting quirky teens, menopause relationships and navigating this thing called midlife alcohol free. If you're feeling that life could be so much more that you're sick and tired of doing all the things for everyone else. If your intuition is waving her arms manically at you saying it could all be so much easier. We didn't have to keep drinking, come with me. Together we'll find our groove without booze.
Speaker 1 2:10
I lovingly acknowledged the Bruner and people of the Kulin nation as the custodians of current Baroque. I share my admiration for the Aboriginal culture I witnessed the connection that they have for each other and the land and their community. As I swim in the waters and walk on the land, I feel the power of this place. I'm grateful for the Aboriginal peoples amazing custodianship, the power, beauty and the healing potential of this place. I wish to pay special respects to the elders of the Buena, wrong people. Their wisdom, guidance and support are exceptional, and felt well beyond the Aboriginal community. I honor that this is Aboriginal land, and that it has never been ceded. I am committed to listening to the Aboriginal community, and learning how I can be an active ally in their journey to justice. Hello, everybody. Welcome to this week's episode of midlife a Eph. I remember Gilmore, your host for today. And we're going to be talking about personality. And I think this is just so fascinating. I went to some training with a really well regarded. I think he's a psychiatrist or a psychologist called Dr. Ross green. Everyone's called Ross or Russ. At the moment, it's really confusing me. That's not true. Everyone's not called Ross or us. It's a ridiculous statement. Anywho I've just got back from a week in Bali, which was amazing. We did some really cool work, we did some Byron Katie work, the place was astounding. And I'm really interested to do my own retreat there. Maybe next year. So if any of you are interested in that, it would probably be I would imagine it would be in the realms of about two, two and a half grand for the actual retreat per person. So just bear that in mind, just in terms of hiring the place and you know, who'd everything would be included in that food and accommodation and everything else. But you'd have to pay for your flights and your transport. So let me know if that would be something that'd be interesting. And we would what we do during that is just would I get somebody along with us who could do some really beautiful work in terms of yoga and breath work, yoga and breath work, maybe some Chi Gong, something like that. And then we just do some really beautiful work around thoughts and beliefs being with our feelings in a really intense environment in that kind of immersion environment, which means that we can get a lot done in a short space of time but also then have timeout to process that and sort of be in a beautiful environment, which is very safe and, and loving and kind and nourish ourselves with great food. Anyway, that's just an idea. I just like put that out there. So if you are interested in that, can you email me at Emma, at Hope rising coaching.com Because I know that if you do do these things, you need to kind of plan them in advance and put deposits down and all that sort of thing. So I'd need to sort of make sure there was enough interest out there before I did any of that. Anyway, back to Dr. Bra screen. So Dr. screen when I went to his training, and I can't remember the name of his training now, but basically what his philosophy is, is, kids do well if they can. And I think this is not just for kids this statement, I think it's humans do well if they can. And that is very much my approach to working with people who are wanting to change their relationship with alcohol. It's not that it for me, it's not about the behavior. And I get a no no, that those of you who've been following me for a while, know that alcohol, for me has nothing to do with the behavior, the behavior is the symptom. And the behavior is our coping mechanism and adaptation. And what we need to understand is what's going on behind that, so that we can change the things. So it's not just about focusing on the behavior, which a lot of psychologists and psychiatrists and, you know, aaa, and places like that really do, they really focus, they do lots of other stuff as well. But they do focus a lot on the behavior. Whereas for me, I focus on awareness, and not abstinence, because any slip up that we might have is just data, more data that we have, that's going to help us get a firmer commitment to being alcohol free, or taking a break or reducing your drinking. Because the work that I do takes away the lower drinking. So it's not that you can't have it, it's that you don't want to have it. And that's where I want my clients to be, I don't want us to be in willpower, because willpower is a finite thing. And resistance is, you know, what we resist persists, as they say, I think it was Carl Jung who said that. But the interesting thing about Ross Greene is he basically says that children who aren't behaving and I saw this post today, which I thought was absolutely wonderful. And it was let's change the word normal, and the use of the word normal to common and see how that changes people's perception of normal. And of course, as many of you know, I'm training under Gabor Matta who wrote the brilliant book, The Myth of normal. And this the present the webinar that I'm going to do on Sunday, next Sunday, which is the 20 Such allies, the 19th. Oh my god. So it's the 19th of November 5pm, a IE, d t. And they will be recording and there will be worksheets is going to be about why successful women drink and how it's possible to do all of the things without needing to press the Escape button. And I think it's really important because I think most of the people that I work with are incredibly intelligent human beings who sit on that gray area of drinking place. And it's very difficult. It was another really great thing I saw this week as well was by one of my favorite people, Veronica Bailey. And she was talking about how you don't need a break from anything. That's good. So it the fact that we need to take breaks from alcohol implies that there's something that's not not helpful to us about them that we have to take a break from it because it's which I thought was really interesting as well. But yeah, so basically what he said was green was the problem is there's no bad kids. There's just unsolved problems. And I think that's the same with alcohol. There's no bad adaptations. There's no bad behaviors. There's just problems that we don't know how to solve yet because we haven't been taught because we're learning and what's the reason why I think A type personalities high achievers, and successful human beings find it really difficult to stop drinking is because in a lot of the cases, the reasons why we have become the personality type that we hold to be our true is because we needed to in order to keep ourselves safe. So and as Ross Green says about kids, he says some kids have lucky behavioral problems, their behavioral problem might be perfectionism, their behavioral problem might be that they can't stop doing because they are, you know, and so on and so forth. And then other kids are lucky in our society in that they can't push down their emotions and pretend that everything's okay. They don't have as good a, and their nervous system is much more sensitive, and they don't have the ability to be able to mask as well. And it's those kids to tend to be seen as problem children. And equally, adaptations that we have to keep ourselves safe that we took on board as children. Some of those are very well rewarded in society, those like busyness, productivity, working ourselves to the bone, never sitting down, having, you know, creating everything perfectly, perfectionism basically. And so it can be very, very difficult for people to realize that the thing that they think is their personality is actually an adaptation. And it's an adaptation that is causing more harm
Speaker 1 12:02
than benefit, because the problem that we have is if you are an incredibly busy a type successful personality, doing all the things and holding it all together with the duct tape of wine, you will be getting a lot of external and internal validation based on your systems of judgment and your shirts, which generally will have been things that will have come to you from your parents or from your schooling system and your environment. And so what we find is, most of the time, where human beings have a tendency for perfectionism. It perfectionism comes from a place of not good enough. So if everything so a little child, who is not getting what they need from their parents, or they have a very erratic relationship with their parents, well, they can get told off for no reason, or they can not understand why they're being told off or unless they do everything perfectly. They don't get treated as well. So they basically don't get love in the way that they are in a way that they deserve to get love as a human being just for being and this was very much the old way of parenting in our generation and and our parents generation, you know, was
Speaker 1 13:34
suck it up, buttercup, get over there. And also you know, if you didn't, if you were mean to somebody about something, then they, the idea was that they did a better job, which we now know not to be true, but unfortunately, it's so ingrained in our psyche and also a lot of perfectionism comes from shame comes from the state deep shame of you know, worrying about everybody outside of ourselves and how they perceive us. And the reason that we do that is not because we're and we don't even realize a lot of us about Taipei people. We don't even realize that that's what we're doing. If somebody said to us, are you are you do you look for outside validation, we'd be like, No way. But in actual fact, and this everything is absolutely and I was so suffered with this. And I used to be like, I used to get so mad about things not being perfect and not being right. And I still find it difficult when other people don't hold themselves to the same standards that I hold myself to. In some ways. There's other things that I've 100% had to let go of, because I was getting so completely burnt out by doing them but I hear a lot of my clients still it's like, we take a lot of self pride in you know, doing everything as well as we possibly can and being busy all the time and never having a moment to rest and you know At best, a lot of the time, these adaptations are there. Because number one, they stop us from thinking and being with our feelings and processing our feelings. And number two, they're validated. And so instead of being present and being able to be and I have so many clients who say the reason they drink so that they can be present with their family, so that they can watch their kids on the trampoline, so that they can do the things that otherwise their brain would be just going, I need to do this, I need to do this, I should have done this, I should have done that. And a lot of the time as well, sort of like looking forwards in fear and looking backwards in fear as well. What did people think if they did I do that, right? Because all the time our nervous system is in high alert. Because we do not want somebody to judge us badly. Because if somebody judges us badly, that means that they're reconfirming, what we already are, which we what we already think, which is that we're not good enough, or we're an imposter, we shouldn't be here. And so a lot of people who are incredibly driven are, you know, we get very well rewarded, right and ourselves, we can tell what a good job we've done without realizing that we've just totally ignored our kids for the day, or we haven't actually spent a time with ourselves today doing any self care, or we're not getting any rest done. And so it takes some time to serve actually really recognize were this constant need for everything to be perfect for us to be perfectly on time for us to be the anxiety, the cortisol, the adrenaline that that creates in our human system, we start we need to start looking at what the actual expenses of these things because everything that I've learned from psychology from ancient pitmasters, from every everything that I listened to, and that I believe is grounded in truth.
Speaker 1 17:01
It expands on the idea that love is Truth is our true essence. And fear is not our true essence. And anything that comes from fear is not going to take us towards the highest potential. And this is what I think is so important for a type human beings to understand is the control that we think is keeping us safe and allowing us to be our very best human is actually keeping us stuck and restricting our human potential. And so that's what I'm talking about in this webinar. And I find it so fascinating. The more I learned about personality types, and the more everything that I was taught to be to be true about personality types, is just not true at all. And how our we are all at our core, good love, abundance, plentiful on Earth. And society treats us in ways that makes us doubt that and makes us feel that there were not enough, we're not. We're not we might be, we might be abandoned, we might be alone.
Speaker 1 18:46
And then we have to be all of this extra stuff that makes other people like, I talked to so many people, and they're like, you know, I need to be out I need to be doing things I need to be with people. And you know, I don't really actually like that. And so I'm drinking and so I have to drink in order to be able to do that. And the question then comes back to why do you have to do that site? Well, that's what you have to do, you know, can't be sat at home being an introvert. And it's like, well, who's who? Who said, made this role, that we all have to have these busy, overwhelmingly busy lives, jam full of things to stories that we can tell on Monday to our work colleagues about what we did at the weekend. And that it has to be sociable and fun. And you said, you said that. And what are we making it mean that we're not? Because that's where our problem lies? A lot of times it's like why should I be doing this? I should be doing that I should be with people. And if I'm not with people, what am I making that mean about me? Am I going to I'm going to end up alone. And it's like, well, then, you know, we start to use work like Byron Katie's work, and it's like, is that true? Is it really true? You know, what would? What could another? You know, what could a? How is that belief making me think and behave? And what would I feel like be like, behave like if I didn't have that pretty? Because again, it's all coming from a place of fear. And this is where, for me this whole resistance pieces and I keep saying to everybody, let's not have guardrails, let's not do that we're not coming from a place of fear. It's not focused on what's going to happen tomorrow. It's focused on what's happening in the moment. That's where the essence is. That's where the juices, that's what we care about. That's where we make the decision. So there's a few things in terms of alcohol, we need to make a decision. But in the boat decision, we don't get maybe then we don't do I've just had a little one. You know, this, that and the other. That's fine if you do, but it's like that's going to be part of your journey. But you will come to a time where you're like, what, you know, this doesn't work. So we need to make a burn in the boat decision. And then we need to be abundant about that decision. And why we're making it and so for example, if our reason for drinking is because we like the buzzsaw because we want relief or because we want a reset or because we want to relax, then we need to kind of work on all of those things. But number one, we need to understand that the buzz is a way of abandoning ourselves and losing ourselves in our distress. So we only have a craving, because our body is in discomfort. And our wine Savior comes along and says, Here's wine, we don't like you being in discomfort. And our judgment person goes, no, no, you're not drinking, don't have it. And then you start this friction and that friction is what causes a craving, and then you give in to the craving because you want the argument in your brain stop. So the first piece is what were you actually feeling in the beginning that was so uncomfortable, that you needed the wind Savior to come in? And how do we get the wind Savior on board? With having a different role, ie, becoming the investigator of oh, I'm experiencing discomfort. Let's work out what this discomfort about? How am I feeling? Is there a name that I can put to this emotion? Where do I feel in my body and just take a few moments with yourself and do some breathing. Touch your feet on the floor, do some grounding. Notice where you are touch your tummy with your hands, touch your skin, touch the fabric of your clothes, just keep bringing yourself back to that you're a human being in the world. You're not your thoughts, you're the thinker of your thoughts and breathe and really start to connect with yourself and what's going on for me what is it that I think that I can't handle that I need relieving from? Because that's where the answers are. Yeah. And fascinatingly enough, that I sort of think is the right word for it now, sort of anxious attachment, as in sort of attachment, any kind of attachment style, which we had with our caregivers, which led us to feel that everything had to be perfect, we had to do everything right in order to be loved or validated or total a good that's what's leading us to push and punish ourselves. And that's also what's leading us into perfectionist ways of thinking, which are caused us harm and put us into that kind of black and white or if I if I haven't done it, it's that whole like, I've stopped drinking, I don't feel amazing. Well, what was the point? I might as well drink again. It's like no meat, like this is an intellect When will this be over this phase of stopping drinking and then I can get on to the next achievement and goal that I've got. And it's like no guys, we've got just this is a journey. This is a journey of self discovery. It's not a you know, that I'm on to the next thing because that's what makes it hard. It's like, it's hard if you can't enjoy the process. It was my husband sent me this brilliant meme. Where it was like the type A personality and somebody had told the type a type A personality to you know, smell, you know, stop and smell the roses. And he was like, turned up and he's got all the roses that he's sniffing in his house smell the roses, what's next? And the answer is in the present. And we talked about this all the time. And at the moment, me and my group are doing a process called the presence process. And it's about this idea that in the present, everything is okay. And time is expensive. And I, you know, I'm only talking about all this stuff as a student, right? Because there's still stuff that's fascinating to me. Because I very, very much and always have been that sort of a type personality, I get obsessed with my work before I had to put before I had to put a hard break with being obsessive with, you know, the house, which was killing me, because I live with three incredibly untidy neurodivergent humans who are unable to manage themselves in any way, shape, or form. But I was trying to work and clean up after three kind of adults and myself, and I was just getting completely burnt out. And just so stressed by how awful everything was. And so now I've had to kind of go about slowly but surely putting things in place to help us. But also just this massive kindness to myself, and a massive understanding that a lot of people who are come in and be become affronted by the mess in our house, you know, that is their own anxiety talking. And we're projecting a lot of the time when other people things that, you know, we judge other people with the things that we've made bad about ourselves. So there's just so much work in all this stuff, Shadow Work, everything that we believe to be true about the world is just not true. And it's just fascinating. But you have one of the things I wanted to talk about his personality tests, so right when I was in, and I probably told you the story before, so forgive me if I have. But when I was in corporate, I did the Myers Briggs test, very, very fairly regularly. I went through all the management training and everything that Warner Brothers did, and it was really good, really, really good. And I always came out as an EN TJ and they were like Myers Briggs is like it will never change. And en TJ is like you're sort of like classic, a successful high achiever, human being. And after I had my experiences, my last experiences at work that led me to not be able to stay in that environment anymore. And I just had a bit of time, studying and connecting back to myself, and I still have so much to go on this. This is why I'm like, this is a journey. Let's enjoy the journey. Yeah. Because like, When will this finish? It's what if you what if it's not about that, you know, what if it's, and I'm really starting to change my marketing as well, because
Speaker 1 27:57
yes, some of us stop drinking very quickly. And others of us take longer, generally, people who are take a little bit longer, which is so normal, there is a little bit more there around their own self worth. And because we trick ourselves, we don't realize, you we talk about I've got clients, that moment we talk about, you know, alcohol makes things more fun. And when we actually drill into it, what we're really saying is, I don't enjoy this thing, I can only enjoy it if I'm having alcohol. But until you do that work on it, you actually think that our comics is more fun, and you're enjoying these things. And without the alcohol, it's, you know, you're boring, it's your fault, because again, with all of this stuff, it's always our fault. And that's how the human brain works as well. It always looks at the worst situation and makes that the conclusion. But it must be our code that makes everything brilliant. No, it's not at all, it's alcohol that allows us to disassociate from our true self, our authentic self, our real experience of life enough for us to be able to push on through a situation that doesn't sit right with our nervous system. And, you know, the more that we can talk about this stuff, because honestly, until you I have clients who are just like, I'm so good, I'm such a, I just love being busy all the time. And then you talk about the relationship with alcohol, the only reason that they use alcohol so that they can have an excuse to sit down. And then there's something in there, isn't it? There's some adaptation there. That's that busyness that constant doing that constant striving that never giving ourselves time to be with ourselves, be with our distress process, the emotions that have got us here in the first place. That's just keeping us stuck in the same pattern. All of this stuff. This is why this work is so important and why it's not really Yes, a five day reset. Yes, a 30 day reset is a great way to start. But this none of this stuff is about alcohol. And what the beauty of it all is, is once you release yourself from the fear and anxiety that is our default setting. And once we realize that actually, we don't have to please our parents or everybody around us anymore. We don't have to be all of these things, we can actually open ourselves to what our true nature is, and, and open ourselves to a life filled with possibilities, and abundance and bountiful us, because we've stopped restricting ourselves and trying to control us. And allowing the massive effervescence of our incredible illness to come out and shine without trying to control it, and keep it under wraps, so that people won't judge us to be weird and awkward when actually the thing that makes us so fucking fantastic, is the weird and awkwardness. You know, anyway, my love's I hope those of you who are interested in a possible retreat, let me know, send me an email, Mr. Rosen kitching.com. And the rest of you, I would love you to join me on our webinar, which is called Why successful women drink, how to manage all the things without needing to escape with booze. Alright, my darlings, take care. And just to tell you a little bit more about that webinar that we're having this week, we it will be at 5pm. November, the 19th, a e di t savings time. That's right. So Sydney, Melbourne time, you will get a downloadable workbook so you can work on it afterwards. And as a result of it. So we're going to talk about personality types, what they are, where they come from, from an attachment style perspective, what why they are making it really difficult for us to stop drinking, and how we can look to undo some of that conditioning, to start to live from a place of abundance and bring that kind of openness and self care and presence to our families. And then also reveal and expand on our massive, insane ability to create and be extremely wonderful once we let go of all of these controls. But what I'm also going to do as a six week plan for you guys, so that you leave with the tools to create a plan for the lead up to what is the trickiest time of the year with ways and commitments and strategies that feel really good to enable you to have that very stressful time for US aid type personalities, particularly those of us who struggle with saying no, or asking other people to do things because we think that they won't do it very well. And it will take longer for us to do that. And for those of us who feel like there's a certain ways that we need to do things in order for them to be okay. And that we have to do everything that everybody expects of us in terms of socializing, in terms of working in terms of entertaining, in terms of having people to stay in terms of just a fucking performing, performing, performing and performing and lead up to Christmas. And I'm going to give you a plan to help you come back to yourselves stay in the present, stay, if that's your intention in an alcohol free frame of mind. And keep prioritizing surprising yourself in a way that still feels like you've got control over things. But it's done in a way that's a two sided control. So whereas normally we let go of everything that we need for ourselves in this lead up to Christmas, this is going to be about holding on to some of those things, and really prioritizing where we put our time and prioritizing our own health and well being as the number one thing and that's so important because if we don't do that our children don't learn from us that that's something that they can do in their lives too. All right, my darlings, have a great week. Hi. Thanks for tuning in to this week's episode of midlife AF with Emma Gilmore. If you enjoyed it, please share on Instagram for your friends and tag me at hote rising coaching. If you want to help me grow the podcast please review the episodes for me on Apple podcasts that really helps. If you would like to work further with me please go to my website www Haute rising comm coaching.com for my free and paid programs or email me at Emma at Hope rising coaching.com sending a massive cuddle to you and yours for me and mine and remember to keep choosing you
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